A Movie About My Life

If they made a movie about your life, who would you want to play you? This is what I've come up with..

Shiloh Jolie Pitt would play me as a baby.

Blake Lively would play me as a teenager.

Carrie Underwood (obviously)would play me now.

Lauren Conrad would play my BFF.

Cam from "Modern Family" would play my gay BFF.

Jennifer Aniston would play older me.

Oprah would play successful, older black me.

Jude Law would play my first husband.

Meryl Streep would play me on my deathbed. In my Malibu home. With my husband Joe Jonas weeping by my side.

Ellen Degeneres would definitely do my eulogy and maybe Lady GaGa would perform.

Adventures in Babysitting

I found a free iPhone app that lets you record videos. This one is from when I got to babysit Bradley and Drew during their Spring Break. It was so much fun.

Lovin' Me Some Birthdays..

My mom's birthday was yesterday, and today is my brother Brad's birthday. Last night we had our usual Monday Family Night and celebrated both of their birthdays.

BTW, I'm SO glad that my birthday does not fall close to any other family member's birthdays.. I would not share the celebration spotlight with anyone else. Maybe I'm a bit of a brat. Oh look, the story came back to revolve around me.. weird.. that never happens.

So anyways, it was their birthday last night and I posted a few pictures from the par-tay. I got my mom some earrings, a cross picture with a Bible verse on it and a very large wine glass with her initial on it. (To answer your questions...yes i'm the favorite..yes I gave the gift she'd get the most use out of.. and yes, I like irony). I got brad a visor that he wanted and a t-shirt that says....

It was a hit. I totally rock at gift-giving. Too bad they don't have a job for that. Stacey tried (and succeeded) at stealing my thunder by giving him a floating cooler with cup holders all the way around it. I won't mention that I helped her pick it out. Oops.

The birthday boy with Bradley..

My mom and Stacey

Drew is not embarrassed to kiss Aunt Rachel.. Bradley? Way too cool.

Last but definitely not least.. Birthday Girl.. BTW, she said "It's My Birthday, Yall" (in her best Britney Spears voice, of course) about a hundred times. She better be glad it was her birthday.

Things That Annoy Me

• Adults with braces
• Lisps
• Stupid people.. I mean, since when is it MY fault that you grew up eating lead paint chips?
• Redneck Alabama fans.. get over yourself, seriously.
• My credit score..Perhaps my first mistake was taking financial advice from a book called "Confessions of A Shopoholic"
• Anyone with an "Alabama" room in their house.. Really? A whole room devoted to a stupid football team (btw, this would NEVER be said of Auburn.. War Eagle)? There should never be a room dedicated to a team, unless that team is Team Rachel, of course.
• Personalized car tags
• Thunder stealers.. everyone knows it's really all about me.
• Cleaning.. unless it is cleaning out the liquor cabinet, my bank account or my DVR
• All things Nickelodeon
• Leann Rimes.. squint much?
• Disney haters...It's called the Happiest Place on Earth for a reason
• Cotton balls
• Winking...winking is only acceptable if you're a cougar or a rapper
• Vocal skills...only because I don't have any of these skills and how else am I going to win American Idol
• People who snore
• Passing gas in my presence
• The Family Guy

Idol Recap, Etc.

I'd rather be punched in the stomach than have to watch Siobhoan ever perform again on American Idol. Girl, what are you thinking? And don't even get me started on your outfit. You are a hot mess.

Hey Katie Stephens.. Accessorize much? Repeat after me: When in doubt, do without!

I hope Andrew and Siobhoan get kicked to the curb tonight. I'm nervous, though, because I voted for Crystal (only 63 times because I was texting) and every call except one went through. My mom voted for Aaron (totally illegal), Casey (run for your life, casey, run,) and Lee. She says she bases her decisions on their singing capabilities but if you saw how excited she gets when Aaron and Casey come on screen, you'd quickly see through her lies. Sorry, Jolly.

I have a certain cousin that I think looks just like Adam Lambert. I believe I am the only person who thinks this.

In other news, Kate Gosselin is supposedly getting a new TV show. They are going to call it "Twist of Fate." The premise of the show is based on Kate going around to help women/mothers in need, and walking a mile in their shoes. Kate, why don't you try walking a mile in your own shoes? Why the face? Do you realize you have 8 freaking kids? You're a MILF: Mom I'd Like to Forget.

AI and T&D

Don't forget American Idol tonight!! Bowersox Rocks! (Only because Paige got voted off and because Crystal is really good and she could use her fame/money to invest in a set of veneers and a serious dreadlock intervention.)

Oh, one more thing.. I take back every mean word I ever said about Tori and Dean. After watching them take Liam and Stella (Monkey and Buggy) and the Guncles on a road trip across the US...

only to redecorate Patsy's house....

I realize that you don't have to be beautiful on the outside to be beautiful on the inside. (wow, cheesy run on sentence, anyone?)

I mean, it helps to be beautiful on the outside, and I don't think Donna Martin looks like a horse. I only said that because I am totally jealous that she weighs less than 100 pounds.

Plus, T feels like she has no family. The mother-figure in her life is a large black woman. Tori, if you want a mom, I have one available. She considers you "the daughter she never had," so she'll be glad to step up to the plate.

Can we say creepy?

No, I'm not joking. Apparently you can buy tombstones that talk. Unfortunately, this information is correct.. but I haven't even gotten to the unfortunate part yet... the reason I know the above information is, in fact, true is because I am currently working for my mother (can we say uptight micromanager? I mean, since when is it a crime to leave the "closed" sign up all day and use the office to blow-dry my hair, apply make-up, and practice my vocal skills so that I'm ready to try out for American Idol for the 4th time?)

Anyway, isn't that totally weird? Why the face would you even get the tombstone to say? If mine talked it might say: I'm not dead! Grab a shovel and get me the heck out of here; OR...Hey grandkids, I'd love to see you but I'm slowly disintegrating into the ground; Or maybe even something like...I never liked you anyway, A-hole.

Act a fool

I love April Fool's day. What's not to love about this day? It is the one day out of the year that you can make up complete lies to all of your friends and family and get away with it... which, now that I'm thinking about it, is not THAT much different than any other day.. except today you can do it and not look like a total psycho.

I try not to let the glory of this day get into my head too much because the stories could run wild. Did I mention I am wholly unsuccessful at this?

Lesson learned: Don't joke about death, emergency surgery, or "The Office" being cancelled.

I'm going to see the MILEY CYRUS movie, "The Last Song," tonight w/ my cousin, Courtney. I'd like to say that she is my younger cousin and I'm only going because my teenage cousin loves Miley and needs a driver. However, this is not the case..she is actually older than I am. But whatever. It's not like we're going to see the Hannah Montana movie (which, btw, is totally awesome.. i got it the day it came out on dvd and i've seen it 4 times). I think i've perfected my "serious Miley" face, which is displayed in the movie trailer. It involves smooshing your lips and squishing your nose and squinting your eyes.

OMG... Carrie Underwood is going to be in a movie!!!! (And NO, this is NOT an April Fools joke.. I would NEVER joke about my girl Carrie) I am so excited. It is called "Soul Surfer" and it is about that girl that got her arm bitten off by a whale or something. I don't know the details about the actual story, but I DO know that she is playing a youth minister. She also guest starred in "How I Met Your Mother," that's the show with Dougie Houser in it. And, to add to the list of things me and Carrie have in common thus why we should be best friends.. she played a pharmaceutical sales rep! I mean, is this fate or what??

Did anyone see Idol last night? I was hoping Usher would do a back flip, but it didn't happen. Also, when did Diddy become "Diddy Dirty Money"? I mean, look, d-bag... quit changing your freaking name. You're not THAT cool. Plus, if you were in preschool you'd totally have trouble learning how to pronounce and much less, spell, that name. We already let you switch three times from"Puff Daddy" to "Puffy" to "Diddy".. Dude, you're cut off. You need to go to name rehab. Despite our creative differences, I WILL give you a shout out for your "hey what up girl?" part in TikTok. I love that song.. you can't NOT be in a good mood when you listen to that song.

Unless my mom is singing it.. then you can be in a bad mood. Blah Blah Blah.