To-Do List for Tuesday and other random words of wisdom

So, I heard on the news the other day that according to new studies, if it takes you more than 30 minutes to fall asleep, it doubles your risk of dying. Did I mention I didn't sleep at all that night? I feel like I'm turning into freaking New York City. Ambien, anyone?

Anyway, last night, after trying to NOT think of death and also trying to fall asleep within 30 minutes and then failing, I decided to make a to-do list for today.

Here is my to-do list:

• Call doctors office to get prescription refilled
• Check on churches for any openings in December for Wes and KaiLeigha's wedding
• Email music guy from church because I completely forgot to return his call last week
• Go online and look at savings/checking accounts
• Pay phone bill online
• Update blog
• Pick up RX from doctor's office and take to pharmacy
• Walk for at least 30 minutes
• Make a new workout mix for my iPod
• Talk about how awesome my aunt Sara is on my website because SO many people read it, that's why I have 3 followers!

Long story short, I lost a $5 bet with myself that I'd actually get ANYTHING on the above to-do list done today. So... am I actually being productive? More like being Punk'd. Where's Ashton Kutcher? Well played, Kelso. Well played.

FYI, the only things I've gotten accomplished from my to-do list are updating this website and giving a shout-out to my aunt. Hey Sara.....Holla!!!

As far as the other 9 items listed... Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?

I should have put "Watch American Idol" on my to-do list. I could have totally marked that off my list. Even though my girl, Paige, got voted off last week and at this point I will like to play the racism card here because I've never gotten to use it before. Wow, that felt good. Speaking of black people, it's story time.

Up until about 4 years ago, I always wondered why Black Friday was in November instead of February. (And don't get me started on what happened this past Black Friday) I never understood why my mom and her sisters would meet at 5 AM to eat breakfast the day after Thanksgiving and be gone until I woke up around noon.

I only have one black friend, Terrance, and I thought...it's about damn time. My bro-worker would finally have a day to relax and celebrate his blackness. My next thought was, "Stupid me, I forgot to get him a gift" and, to quote Andy Bernard.. "Do not test my politeness". When I went to the mall to get him a FUBU hat, it was a disaster. I also got a fifty percent discount. That's when I realized what Black Friday was.

America, Please stop embarrassing me!

Who hasn't seen the infamous MTV show, "Jersey Shore"? I realize it is embarassing... kind of like asking your dad to go buy you a box of tampons... but, let's face it, YOU have seen this show. Now, two of the cast members are signed on to write a book together. "JWoww" and Ronnie are writing a book entitled Never Fall in Love at the Jersey Shore. I suppose in this "situation", two idiots are better than one.

Side note: These pictures have been photoshopped. Hey JWoww and Ronnie, too bad you can't go back and photoshop your lives with better decisions.

The book is supposed to be about dating and how to achieve their classy lifestyle. It is basically a guide to being a "guido," as they so proudly refer to themselves. I would like to think that a few chapters of the book could be called the following:

"Get your Tan On",

"Your hair extensions should never look as fake as your Chanel bag",

"Fist Pumping 101",

"Who knew diseases could live in da hot tub? How to talk to your MD about your 'situation'",

and, finally

"How to allow your brain to be devoid of any intelligence whatsoever."

Wow, apparently these days, almost anyone can get a book deal. Look out, New York Times Bestseller's List... I'm next.

The Skank Side

I know this is SO two weeks ago, but I have to address this, considering there is now new information to the story. Sandra Bullock's soon to be ex-husband, Jesse James chose to cheat on her with a hot mess named Michelle "Bombshell" McGee.

Supposedly Michelle is a white supremacist... I find this odd considering the fact that she is covered in multi-colored tattoos. And speaking of her tattoos.. Michelle, you look like the freaking cartoon strips in the newspaper. Funny enough, Jesse James is a huge fan of cartoons. Hey Jesse, did you know that the newspapers come STD free and typically don't cost you a divorce? Just a thought you jackass.

You know what Michelle? You're disgusting.

Did I mention that she was supposedly raised Amish? Just think... I bet her conservative, Amish mother is so proud to have raised a Nazi, porn star daughter, who is now famous for cheating on the husband of America's sweetheart.

And get this..supposedly she is selling her story to the tabloids.... shocker.

In the article, she claims she was hooking up with Jesse to make a better life for herself. You go girl... have an affair with a married man and then lose custody of your 5-year-old son. And by the way, who would let this fine piece procreate?

And to put the icing on the cake, she supposedly sold her story for $30,000... I mean really, Michelle... what are you going to do with 30K, buy a Honda Accord?

Trouble in Paradise

Tori and Dean.. Oh, where do I begin? I have been a fan of them since my mom got me hooked on their TV show. So, word is they're having marital problems. I mean, if T and Dean can't work it out, is there hope for any of us?

Tori has supposedly told her husband that she wants the "old Dean" back (whatever that means).

Word on the street is that he has been spending more and more time riding his motorcycle, rather than hanging with T, Buggy and Monkey. Now let's all take a time-out right now and think about this...I mean, have you seen the show? Seriously, he isn't even a good driver. He might as well be Asian. He wrecked his bike like 3 times last season. And, as much as I love Tori... maybe he keeps crashing his bike because his wife looks like a cross between a horse and Aaron Spelling.

Tori is the money maker in the family. Dean is kind of a loser (although I DO think he is sweet and a good father to buggy and monkey). I mean, you know things are getting pretty bad if his movies can't even make it to the Lifetime network. An insider has said that Tori couldn't leave Dean because it would be a huge embarrassment to their family and also because Dean has nowhere to go. Nowhere to go? How about he go back to the family he abandoned in Canada.

Perfect Princess Party

So, Tuesday was my sweet cousin's 3rd birthday party. Sidney Grace is a little princess in every sense of the word, so of course she and her closest 3 year-old friends deserved the royal treatment!

Her first guest was her cousin, Sydney. Look at how cute they are!!

They made the cutest mirrors, complete with fur trimming and bedazzled decorations.

They also had a beautiful table adorned with their personalized place settings, Princess champagne glasses, and an array of food fit for a princess, of course.

The invitation said to dress like a princess. Naturally, I searched my closet and the closest thing I could find was a skanky Halloween costume from college, and deemed this inappropriate for anything other than the trash can. Boy was I in luck when I arrived (dressed like a teenager..yes, I realize I am in living in denial of my real age) and all of the other moms were dressed in normal clothing.

Sorry, Courtney but I have to call you out (and I would expect the same thing from you). On the way to the party, I rode with Courtney and Sydney to Birmingham. I parked my car at the back corner of her driveway. She opens up the garage door and starts backing out.. by this point we were already in deep conversation (imagine that) and the next thing we know, she actually hit my car. So, I got in a wreck, but I wasn't even in my car when it happened. I was in the car that hit my car. For some reason I find this funny. Side note: this isn't the actual cars involved and not nearly as bad as the actual incident..but I wanted to bring some drama to this post and I found this on the internet.

Pants on the ground

Sportscasters ponder the moral ramifications of Tiger cheating on his wife. while my favorite, the tabloids explore the steamier side of the issue...happily speculating on the whens, wheres, who (re)s, and which cocktail waitresses. Fans want to understand what made him stray, while sponsors scramble to determine if he can still sell sneakers and Gatorade. Me? I only have one question for the Tiger and I've summed it up in a letter to him.

Dear Mr. Woods,

Were you really THAT anxious to part with $300 million dollars?

Now I’m not telling you how to run your business or your life, Tiger. But I just have to ask why you would sign and then knowingly violate a $300 million dollar prenuptial agreement? I'm sorry, but I just have to wonder.... Were you really THAT tired of seeing so many zeroes on your bank account statements? Or do you hate the world of financial institutions and you simply ran out of mattresses to stuff? Was it hard to keep your pants up when your pockets were so filled with gold? Were you Larry Platt's inspiration for his award-winning song, "Pants on the Ground"?

The only logical explanation is that your money’s a burden to you and you’re desperate to unload it. If this is the case, perhaps you could have considered these fine alternatives?

According to the Senator of Louisiana, $300 million is exactly what it’ll take to remedy the shortfalls in their budget. If you weren’t on the hook for the prenup, you could totally write the Great State a check. I bet they’d all run out and buy Buicks, Nikes, and Gatorade with the money you saved them. Plus, the folks in NOLA would treat you like a king at Mardi Gras, giving you all the beads you could carry. You’d be so beloved, every girl on Bourbon Street would flash you. Since that sounds like the kind of thing you’d be into, everyone wins!

For $300 million bucks, you could have funded HUD’s Recovery Act, which (I believe) is aimed at both giving homes to homeless families and preventing them from facing the kind of crisis that eventually lead to homelessness. Home-wrecker?....more like a home-saver!

A while back the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation gave $100 million dollars to help fix polio. Seriously Tiger, are you going to let some browser-crashing-nerd steal your thunder? Or are you going to fork over so many bills those future generations of blindfolded swimmers will think that “polio” is what comes after “Marco”?

The cliché-loving part of me would just really like to take that last $100 million to buy the world a Coke. However, according to a recent estimate (which was retrieved from WikiPedia so you know it's true), it would cost around $6.5 billion to purchase one twenty-ounce bottle for every single person living on Earth. I GUESS people could share, but that would cause multiple people to place their lips on the same thing, which, funnily enough, is how you got yourself in trouble in the first place,mister. Maybe we should just forget that suggestion.

So, I guess I’d take that $100 million dollars and buy Elin something pretty… like an island. An island far, far away from you.

The devil reads Kindle

Asking me to choose between a traditional book and a Kindle is like asking me which of my nephews I love most.

Bradley is a sweet and loving nephew, whereas Drew (who is also as sweet) is always there to provide entertainment or pose for any sort of photo opportunity (just like his aunt Rachel). Both nephews serve a purpose — much like books and Kindles.

If forced to choose between a book and a Kindle, I'd opt for the comfort and ease of bound pages. I mean, I can't break a book if I drop it on a tile or hardwood floor. I don't have to have a charger to read a book..or lose a charger and not be able to read my story for a week. And if books no longer existed, what would happen to my shelves? Books are highly entertaining and decorative, and not to mention... they make you look smart, sort of like wearing glasses. Let's face it, I need all the help I can get when it comes to looking smart. Also, they're pretty much the only item guaranteed not to explode, at least according to new TSA guidelines. What's not to love?

I hesitated before asking for a Kindle. I wasn't worried that the digital phenomenon would ruin literature as we know it. Rather, my concern centered on using an electronic device while in the bathtub. Fortunately, the splash-proof cover solved this problem and I gave in.

I didn't understand the Kindle's true value until I finished an e-book late one night. In sixty seconds — and without the benefit of pants — I had brand-new reading material at my fingertips. As there's no book jacket, people can't tell if I'm reading Shakespeare or L.A. Candy. And with the Kindle's built-in dictionary, I don't spend a hundred pages sitting on my lazy butt and wondering what the heck "perfidy" means anymore.

For me, the biggest benefit of my Kindle is immediacy. I'm extremely impulsive. I must have whatever I want whenever I want it (You might wonder, how is that different than any other aspect of your life? Good question). Case in point: Last night, after a glass (or bottle) of wine, I craved a classic novel (I know what you're thinking and I agree that this is a stretch). Drink in one hand, Kindle in the other, I snatched up free copies of everything from Little Women to The Art of War (not that I EVER in a million years plan on reading the latter). Had I done the same thing in a bookstore, I'd have ended up in jail, not in bed. Granted, these historic writers don't get paid on free downloads. But, let's face it, they're dead; they don't need money.

I admit I don’t get the same satisfaction as holding a hardcover book in my hands, but I'm a big fan of saving $10-$15 on a new release. Because of the lower prices Amazon has to offer, and the fact that you get to see the book's cover, I'm sold. And despite what people say, I ALWAYS judge a book by its cover.