Pants on the ground

Sportscasters ponder the moral ramifications of Tiger cheating on his wife. while my favorite, the tabloids explore the steamier side of the issue...happily speculating on the whens, wheres, who (re)s, and which cocktail waitresses. Fans want to understand what made him stray, while sponsors scramble to determine if he can still sell sneakers and Gatorade. Me? I only have one question for the Tiger and I've summed it up in a letter to him.

Dear Mr. Woods,

Were you really THAT anxious to part with $300 million dollars?

Now I’m not telling you how to run your business or your life, Tiger. But I just have to ask why you would sign and then knowingly violate a $300 million dollar prenuptial agreement? I'm sorry, but I just have to wonder.... Were you really THAT tired of seeing so many zeroes on your bank account statements? Or do you hate the world of financial institutions and you simply ran out of mattresses to stuff? Was it hard to keep your pants up when your pockets were so filled with gold? Were you Larry Platt's inspiration for his award-winning song, "Pants on the Ground"?

The only logical explanation is that your money’s a burden to you and you’re desperate to unload it. If this is the case, perhaps you could have considered these fine alternatives?

According to the Senator of Louisiana, $300 million is exactly what it’ll take to remedy the shortfalls in their budget. If you weren’t on the hook for the prenup, you could totally write the Great State a check. I bet they’d all run out and buy Buicks, Nikes, and Gatorade with the money you saved them. Plus, the folks in NOLA would treat you like a king at Mardi Gras, giving you all the beads you could carry. You’d be so beloved, every girl on Bourbon Street would flash you. Since that sounds like the kind of thing you’d be into, everyone wins!

For $300 million bucks, you could have funded HUD’s Recovery Act, which (I believe) is aimed at both giving homes to homeless families and preventing them from facing the kind of crisis that eventually lead to homelessness. Home-wrecker?....more like a home-saver!

A while back the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation gave $100 million dollars to help fix polio. Seriously Tiger, are you going to let some browser-crashing-nerd steal your thunder? Or are you going to fork over so many bills those future generations of blindfolded swimmers will think that “polio” is what comes after “Marco”?

The cliché-loving part of me would just really like to take that last $100 million to buy the world a Coke. However, according to a recent estimate (which was retrieved from WikiPedia so you know it's true), it would cost around $6.5 billion to purchase one twenty-ounce bottle for every single person living on Earth. I GUESS people could share, but that would cause multiple people to place their lips on the same thing, which, funnily enough, is how you got yourself in trouble in the first place,mister. Maybe we should just forget that suggestion.

So, I guess I’d take that $100 million dollars and buy Elin something pretty… like an island. An island far, far away from you.

The devil reads Kindle

Asking me to choose between a traditional book and a Kindle is like asking me which of my nephews I love most.

Bradley is a sweet and loving nephew, whereas Drew (who is also as sweet) is always there to provide entertainment or pose for any sort of photo opportunity (just like his aunt Rachel). Both nephews serve a purpose — much like books and Kindles.

If forced to choose between a book and a Kindle, I'd opt for the comfort and ease of bound pages. I mean, I can't break a book if I drop it on a tile or hardwood floor. I don't have to have a charger to read a book..or lose a charger and not be able to read my story for a week. And if books no longer existed, what would happen to my shelves? Books are highly entertaining and decorative, and not to mention... they make you look smart, sort of like wearing glasses. Let's face it, I need all the help I can get when it comes to looking smart. Also, they're pretty much the only item guaranteed not to explode, at least according to new TSA guidelines. What's not to love?

I hesitated before asking for a Kindle. I wasn't worried that the digital phenomenon would ruin literature as we know it. Rather, my concern centered on using an electronic device while in the bathtub. Fortunately, the splash-proof cover solved this problem and I gave in.

I didn't understand the Kindle's true value until I finished an e-book late one night. In sixty seconds — and without the benefit of pants — I had brand-new reading material at my fingertips. As there's no book jacket, people can't tell if I'm reading Shakespeare or L.A. Candy. And with the Kindle's built-in dictionary, I don't spend a hundred pages sitting on my lazy butt and wondering what the heck "perfidy" means anymore.

For me, the biggest benefit of my Kindle is immediacy. I'm extremely impulsive. I must have whatever I want whenever I want it (You might wonder, how is that different than any other aspect of your life? Good question). Case in point: Last night, after a glass (or bottle) of wine, I craved a classic novel (I know what you're thinking and I agree that this is a stretch). Drink in one hand, Kindle in the other, I snatched up free copies of everything from Little Women to The Art of War (not that I EVER in a million years plan on reading the latter). Had I done the same thing in a bookstore, I'd have ended up in jail, not in bed. Granted, these historic writers don't get paid on free downloads. But, let's face it, they're dead; they don't need money.

I admit I don’t get the same satisfaction as holding a hardcover book in my hands, but I'm a big fan of saving $10-$15 on a new release. Because of the lower prices Amazon has to offer, and the fact that you get to see the book's cover, I'm sold. And despite what people say, I ALWAYS judge a book by its cover.